Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

"Stressed" and "emotional" don't even begin to describe how I'm feeling.

This week has been awful. Unfortunately, it still isn't over and the worst has yet to come.

I'm exhausted in every sense of the word and my entire body literally aches from the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders. There are so many things going on that I don't even want to attempt to make a list, because thinking about everything at once just makes my head hurt. It makes my heart hurt.

I want answers. I want peace. I want to sleep my way through the rest of this year and wake up with a brighter outlook for 2010.

The words written on my wrist take me back to what, up until this year, had been the worst year of my life.

"Love
12.3.88
     -
1.29.06
TWLOHA"

This year replaced 06 with something as simple as a breath, a heart beat, a single moment in time. In that moment, a moment unnoticed by all but two other people in this entire world, my life changed forever.

Why do we hate, why do we suffer
Why do we make our mistakes and constantly blame one another
Why is there war and why is there killing
Have we forgotten some secret we knew back when we were just children

If I had wings, I'd fly up to heaven
I'd look down from the clouds on everything
Then I could find all the things we've been missing
I would have all the answers, if I had wings

I never thought watching Grey's Anatomy would make me so emotional.

In last night's episode, Meredith saved her dad by giving him a part of her liver and a cancer patient died on the operating table.

I wish all it took to save my dad was a liver. I would have volunteered to get tested and give him part of mine in a heartbeat, no questions asked. I wish anything could have saved my dad.

Watching that cancer patient die in surgery tugged at my heart. It just made me think back to all of my dad's surgeries. Every time he was wheeled back to the OR, I just cried. I never knew if that might be the last time I saw him. Waiting while he was in surgery was agonizing. We all jumped every time the waiting room phone rang. We were fortunate that he had great surgeons and that his body was strong enough to make it through every single surgery. My dad died, but he did it while I was at his side.

Those last few days, I couldn't sleep knowing he was running short on time. I stayed at his side until my body physically wouldn't let me. I remember having to get picked up from the hospital at 5 AM so that I could go home and get some sleep because I couldn't take my eyes off my dad. Every time I looked away for even just a second, I would look back when he was between breaths. They were so short and shallow and there was so much time between them...my heart jumped every time. I was afraid he had died. I went back the next day and there was no way I was leaving after that. That day was horrible. That night was worse. He was holding on, but we had no idea why. It was so hard to be there, knowing my dad was about to die before my eyes. My dad. My dad. My dad was the best dad I could have ever asked for. He was always there for me growing up, he did so much for me, he taught me so much. There I was, just shy of 20, and I was having to say goodbye. I knew I wanted to be in the room, but I didn't think I could handle being at his side and watching him take his last breath. I stayed the night that night and somehow my mom and I managed to get a couple hours of sleep while my brother stayed up with him. I'll always remember that morning. My mom and I woke up about the same time. She got up to give him a kiss and tell him good morning. She told him my brother and I were both there and awake. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came out, one of them said "I think it's time." I started crying and walked over to my dad's side. My mom, brother, and I all stood at my dad's bedside, gave him so many hugs and kisses, told him how amazing he was and how much we loved him. We promised him we would be okay, and told him it was okay to let go. We stood at his side, holding him, hugging him, and kissing him while he took his last breath in our arms. I was there. I saw and felt my dad take his last breath of life. I will never forget that morning. I didn't think I wanted to experience that, but it is one memory I will always hold so dear to my heart, and I'm so glad I didn't miss it. He went so peacefully and there was a weight lifted in the room after he did.

I'm glad my dad didn't die in surgery. I'm glad I got to say goodbye.

Cause everyone that sees you
Always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
Always has a smile
You're a standing ovation
After years of waiting
For a chance to finally shine
Everyone calls you amazing
I just call you mine

You'll always be my dad

I didn't write this, but its definitely fitting.

My Dad

If I could write a story
It would be the greatest ever told
Of a kind and loving father
Who had a heart of gold

I could write a million pages
But still be unable to say, just how
Much I love and miss him
Every single day

I will remember all he taught me
I'm hurt but won't be sad
He'll send me down the answers
And he'll always be MY DAD

mixed emotions

Today is 9/11.

Today I found out my cousin has been sent to Iraq.

Today I realized that September 5th slipped by without a second thought.
You see, September 5th, 2007 changed my life. September 5th, 2007 was the day my dad was diagnosed with cancer. September 5, 2007 was the night all the tears started.

Today, one of my best friends got engaged to the love of her life. I couldn't be happier for her!

Today, I have mixed emotions.